Disappointment and Forgiveness

Stillness was the most accurate description of the house Ramuek and Corvus entered upon hearing that Kailyn was found. They approached the house in silence. Just the fact that Ramuek was quiet was reason enough to know he was in turmoil. His gold and blue eyes stared at the house, his first daughter’s house. Kailyn was inside there somewhere, probably sleeping, and Ramuek had to answer to him, answer the obvious questions playing in the boy’s broken head.

Ramuek felt heavy weight on his spirit and heart. He stopped in front of the building. Corvus took a step ahead before realizing his companion had stopped. The dark skinned man turned to look at Ra, eyes studying his friend carefully. Ra took a step backwards and started to turn around. He would run away. Kailyn was in good hands with Nolofin and Staris, there was no need for him to walk in and cause Kailyn more pain.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Corvus spoke in his usual one toned voice. Ra, however, could hear the judging tone in that voice. Corvus was possibly the only one who ever spoke to Ra with a judgmental or displeased voice. His friend knew Ra better than anyone, perhaps even S’lar. Corvus was always around Ra, knew his ways, his tendencies, his vices, his virtues, and his sins. “Kailyn needs you.”

“He needed me,” Ra corrected sullenly. “Now he doesn’t trust me. I didn’t help him when he needed me most.”

Corvus rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “You say that without talking to him. You always do this. You run away from anything that makes you look bad, or makes you feel bad. Cover everything with smiles and laughter then its all okay and nothing is wrong.”

Ra flinched at the brutal honesty. Even if Corvus was correct, he didn’t have to be so harsh. “No I don’t. I just don’t want Kailyn to be hurt anymore.”

“You’re like a father to him. After being through something like he has, he probably wants you there the most, maybe more than Jaska.” Corvus continued watching Ra, eyes growing a bit soft under the obvious confusion in Ra. Despite Ra’s power and might, the man was possibly the worst at dealing with anything about troubled emotions and distraught people. He hadn’t grown up around people, he didn’t know people well, didn’t know how souls and hearts worked, not even his own. Sometimes Corvus thought how far he had brought Ra in understanding even as much as he did now. Of course Corvus wasn’t the best expert on people, but he understood more than Ra. If Corvus wasn’t there with Ra, he’d have probably retreated back into his power hunger and destruction as his security blanket. Corvus acted as a substitute security blanket.

Ramuek continued to stare at the house. He didn’t want to go in. If he went in Kailyn would look at him with hurt eyes, eyes that would judge him, look down on him, and look at him with distrust. He wanted Kailyn to see him with respect and trust, he wanted Kailyn to see him as a protector. Failure in the eyes of his pseudo son was not an option.

“He’ll be better without me,” Ra backfired and turned quickly. Corvus’s firm hand grabbed onto his arm and turned Ra around roughly. “Let go!” Ra snarled in instinctive retort and defiance. “You can’t stop me,” he snapped, brows furrowing and face contorting like a scared animal.

“Go in there.” Corvus let go of Ra, knowing full well the man wouldn’t so blatantly ignore him.

“How are you one to talk about father and son relationships?” Ra sneered. He didn’t mean to insult Corvus. He immediately regretted his words. “Sorry…” Looking downward he started walking back to the house. There was no way of turning around now, after biting at Corvus with his words and actions. If he did, Corvus would probably not talk to him for a few days. There’d be that silence around the two of them. That was the worst to Ra. Corvus was the one person to never turn his back on Ra, never to pull away and leave him alone. There was only one person Ra was so fervently attached to, that was Corvus. To have the one person who withstood him and remained his friend ignore him and not talk to him, despite being in his physical presence, it always drove Ra into a unsettled and anxious frenzy.

He could hear Corvus following him. So maybe he hadn’t bit too hard. Having Corvus there made things slightly less frightening. Sure, Ra knew he could easily have his way, force people to do what he wanted, but he was still always a broken and lost individual, his friend had a way of making the cracks less open, mending him as strongly as possible.

The metal of the doorknob under his hand sent a chill up his spine. When it creaked open, he looked up and saw Staris walking towards him. He smiled on cue, his usual fake smile. “Hey sweetie,” he said in his sing song voice and wrapped his daughter in his arms. He could feel Staris’s arms gently rub his back, knowing full well the apprehension her father was probably feeling. He hadn’t been a father to Staris until she was an adult, but Kailyn…Kailyn had been like his redemption for that in some way. He took in Kailyn willingly, volunteering his protection, not running away from it. Staris had seen that and had even told Ra how proud of him she was.

“He’s awake,” she whispered as she removed herself and smiled over at Corvus who remained behind Ra like a solid shadow. “Upstairs and to the right.” Without saying more she retreated back into the living room, where Ra suspected Nolofin was.

“Go on.” Corvus gently pushed Ra towards the stairs. With each ascending step he felt heavier and heavier. At the very top he was beginning to slump and drag himself. There was no way he could prepare himself for the questions. What answers did he have? His visions told him Kailyn would be okay in the end. He wanted Kailyn to grow. He had S’lar to worry about to. Everyone else would be in danger if he tried to intervene.

No answer seemed enough to make his absence appropriate.

“Come in,” a rough, sore voice came from behind the door Ra had knocked upon. With a quick, nervous glance at Corvus, he pushed the door open.

Almost immediately he met Kailyn’s stare. The usually vibrant, deep blue eyes of Kailyn’s now appeared dull and shallow. One eye was swollen and blackened around it in patches of purple, deep red, and pink. Scratches lined the boy’s face and chest, amongst some sutured gashes and cuts. Two of his metal limbs had been removed, leaving his left arm and right leg. They were rusted and banged up badly. Ra assumed Aurae had the other limbs in her possession to be worked on. Kailyn’s head had been shaved clean, revealing the metal plate on the right side of his skull, along with more cuts and bruises.

Kailyn was in bad shape, but probably looked better than when he had stumbled upon Jaska, Zebeyvyll, Seamus, and Aerlinniel. Ra knew Nolofin and Staris were slowly nursing Kailyn back to health as carefully as possible. It wasn’t wise to heal everything up at a quick pace, especially when his body could heal some of it, much more cleanly in fact. His appearance still pained Ra, his feet were cold and he wanted nothing but to close his eyes and leave.

“Hey kid,” he said, instead of running away. Kailyn simply stared at him, expression unreadable, even to Corvus, the more aware of people’s emotions of the two men. Ra approached the bed, feet dragging under his weighed down legs. “You look good.” He laughed a little and sat down on the bed beside Kailyn. The boy blinked at Ra, not laughing at the obvious joke his parent had made.

“I look horrible,” Kailyn spoke in a drawn out voice from a sore and scratchy throat. “Hi Corvus.” He nodded towards the man leaning against the door frame. Corvus had acted like a parent to Kailyn, along with Ra, for many years. Corvus and Ra knew Kailyn better than anyone, even better than Zebeyvyll and Jaska. He couldn’t hide certain things from the two men who had seen Kailyn grow up and go through all his awkward and less than pretty stages.

“Hey kid,” Corvus said, not making any jokes like Ra had made. “Glad to see you’re safe.”

“Thanks.” Kailyn’s eyes shifted back at Ra, who was staring at the wall. He couldn’t look at Kailyn. “I was wondering when you’d decide to swallow your pride.” Kailyn’s voice hit Ra like a bag of knives. “Corvus came the first night I was here. Where were you?” The insinuation was so obvious that Ra had to look at the boy. Those dead blue eyes stared at him directly level to his own gaze. He knew Corvus had come to visit Kailyn immediately Algeah had alerted them of Kailyn’s arrival at Staris’s house. Ramuek hadn’t gone, he had been too scared to see Kailyn so beat up and on the verge of death. He knew if he had come it’d have sent him into such a drive of revenge he’d have gone out and found Pandora himself.

It couldn’t happen that way. He knew it couldn’t, but there was no way of explaining that to Kailyn and having him understand. Corvus had told Ra that he had tried to explain to Kailyn as well as he could, but he had seen the look of disappointment and frustration clear as day when Corvus had left.

“I couldn’t come not then.” Ra watched the anger tighten the boy’s jaw. Despite being a mess of mental confusion and exhaustion, Kailyn could obviously still feel emotions. Just that knowledge alone calmed Ra slightly, even knowing that the emotion was direction towards him. “I’m sorry. If I had seen you…seen you close to dying, I couldn’t do it.”

“Isn’t that when I would need you most…if I was dying.” Kailyn narrowed his eyes at Ra.

“But you weren’t dying.”

“I was.”

“No, Kailyn, you weren’t. I knew you weren’t.” Ra prepared himself for the onslaught of berating and belittling.

“How did you KNOW? Because you’re so powerful and intuitive. Because you know how things are going to happen before they do? Because you can see so far into the future that our little minds can’t even begin to grasp your vast array of knowledge?” Kailyn pushed himself up, gasping a bit at the pain. “I needed you. I needed you there! I wanted to see you! I expected to see you when Aerlinniel brought me here. I thought you knew I’d be coming back since you’re so smart and insightful. But no. The only people there were Staris, Nolofin, and Corvus. I thought maybe you were just trying to surprise me. But when you didn’t come when I woke up, I knew you just weren’t coming.”

“Kailyn.” Ra felt his heart and stomach clench in pain. His eyes burned as he saw Kailyn glare at him with such furiousity. “You don’t-“

“Understand. Of course I don’t understand! I don’t understand how insensitive and hurtful you are. I can’t understand the reasons you do all the things you do. Well you know what? I do! I was there for you when YOU needed ME. So why weren’t you there when I needed YOU?”

“This isn’t just about when you came back…” Ra knew where this was going. He looked up at Corvus. The man frowned, knowing full well where it was going as well.

“No. It isn’t. Wow you’re so smart. Smarter than all us little people,” Kailyn snapped. “Why didn’t you do anything? You could have saved both of us! Jaska needed you too, you know! You could have stopped this from happening. With all your power, all your god like strength. But in the end you’re just as weak as the rest of us aren’t you?”

“If I had done anything she’d have won! It’s what she wants!” Ra felt his voice grow more defensive. He wanted to make Kailyn understand his reasoning. “She wanted me to intervene. Why else would she have taken YOU? Because she knew I’d have wanted nothing more than to go in and take you back.”

“So it’s all about you. It’s always about you. You let Jaska get his eye ripped out, you let me get thrown into hell, all for the sake of not letting some stupid pathetic woman win some stupid pathetic grudge match between you two.”

“No, Kailyn, it’s not all about me. I didn’t intervene because she’d have then been able to get to the rest of us. She’d have hurt Staris and Nolofin, she’d have hurt S’lar and Corvus, she’d have hurt Narya and Arien. She’d have been able to back me up into a corner and black mail me into letting her hurt them because if she didn’t hurt them, she’d kill them. That’s how she works, Kailyn. She isn’t as simple as you think she is. She doesn’t just want one thing.”

Kailyn set his chapped and busted mouth into a thin line. Ra knew he’d never be able to fully understand, but he wanted him to at least accept it. How long would that take though? Years? Days? He hoped for the latter.

“You’re stronger than her,” Kailyn said slowly, “you could have found a way to beat her. You have so many others to help you.”

“And that’s why I couldn’t. Because it’d mean involving people who shouldn’t be involved, who are innocent and have no place in this battle. Nolofin and Staris have a family to think about. Narya and Barek have a daughter and son to think about. This extends far more than just us, Kailyn.”

“I know that, Ramuek.” Kailyn’s voice grew more venomous as the discussion progressed. “That doesn’t mean you had to sit back passively and watch us get beaten down. You could have done something.”

“But I COULDN’T! That’s the thing Kailyn! I couldn’t!” Ra yelled as he stood up. Corvus stepped further into the room as he saw the argument escalating.

“YOU COULD HAVE! BUT YOU DIDN’T!” Kailyn yelled back, voice cracked under the intense strain on his throat. His whole body stiffened in pain and he pushed against the back of the pain. “You sat back and watched! You watched Jaska’s pain, my pain, and everyone else’s! Because you aren’t as different as her are you?! You two are made from the same material! If you didn’t have Corvus watched you like some guard dog you’d be doing what she did!” He breathed in and out heavily, sweat forming on his face, the pain in his body making him hot and exhausted just from yelling.

Ra stared down at Kailyn. His words hit him, making his whole body grow numb. He wasn’t like Pandora. He wasn’t. His tongue ran across his lips as silence fell down around them. The only noise was Kailyn’s panting. Corvus put a hand on Ra’s shoulder. “I’m not like her.” Ra gritted his teeth, pain breaking his heart. A few more cracks forming into the shards.
“But you are,” Kailyn breathed out.

Corvus finally stepped beside Ra and looked at Kailyn, steady and prepared. “Your words are said with anger and disappointment. You are right, Kailyn, Ra should have been there when you got back. He should have come with me. But he was scared. He was scared because he knew how hard it’d be to see you. So instead of facing his fear he wallowed in it. He was wrong in that. But he isn’t like Pandora. He took a step back from all of these disgusting and terrible things because he had to plan ahead. If he did anything Pandora would take advantage of his presence.”

Both Kailyn and Ra listened to Corvus. Ra pulled away and rubbed his hands from his head. His nerves were pulled tight and he tried to let Corvus take control of the situation, knowing if he tried to talk about he’d be too wound up to speak intelligently. He was NOT like Pandora. He wasn’t. He just wasn’t.

“I know it’s hard to understand why someone would just sit back and watch the people he loves so deeply, get so hurt. I know it’s hard for you, but do you think he understands why he has to as well? I had to stop him from making rash decisions about it. He wanted to go in the minute she touched Jaska. But we both knew what the consequences of that would be. Everything is much more complicated than anyone wants it to be. Pandora has woven a maze of webs. If we took a wrong step we’d get caught in one.”

Kailyn leaned back against his bed and looked away from Corvus, not wanting to face the logic. Ra cracked his fingers and shook his head.

“He should have been here with you.”

“Yes. He should have.” Corvus looked over at Ra, catching his gaze. Ra saw the disappointed look in his friend’s eyes, but also saw the understanding. The atmosphere in the room grew less heated, even as Kailyn didn’t meet either of their eyes. “But he’s here now. He’s here because he cares about you. He wanted to see you. I didn’t force him here. Sure I had to convince him to actually go in, but he was the one who finally decided, on his own, to come.”

Ra was surprised at how well Corvus spoke. The man didn’t speak much, but when he did…it did it well. “I’m here, Kailyn. I’m here now.” Ra spoke in a soft voice. Kailyn looked back at him, the boy’s walls started to fall. “Please. I don’t expect you to understand, or even forgive me. But I want you to accept my failures. I’m a person just like you and Corvus. I make mistakes…” He sat down on the bed again and put a hand to Kailyn’s forehead. “You are my son. You aren’t my blood. But you are my son. I would never do anything to hurt you. Even my mistakes aren’t done to hurt, even when they do.”

“I know,” Kailyn whispered, closing his eyes as Ra rest his hand on him. “I needed you.”

“And here I am.” Ra smiled sadly when Kailyn swallowed and tears started to drip down the boy’s battered face. “I am here now. In the end you know I will always be here. I took you in to protect you. You have to understand I try to do everything to have as little pain as I can for you. Life isn’t painless…but I will try to make it as painless as I can for you.”

“I know…” Kailyn rubbed at his tears with a jerky metal hand. A few minutes passed before sobs began to shake Kailyn’s shoulders.

Ra’s face twisted with pain, the broken sounds filling his ears. To see Kailyn in so much pain, both physically and mentally, it hurt him more than he could have known it would. He looked at Corvus for some sort of reassurance. The man shook his head and sat down at the end of the bed, putting a hand on Kailyn’s foot. He remained silent as Kailyn sobbed, letting the boy get out all the built up agony.

Inside Kailyn, Ra saw himself young and lost. Unaware of why the world was so hard and so torturous. He saw himself, abandoned and hurt, hateful of the world and its people, wanting nothing but pain for those who hurt him. In Kailyn, however, he saw compassion and forgiveness to those who hurt him and to those who messed up. Despite being as revengeful and hateful as Ra had been, Kailyn was understanding and genuine. After all his anger and pain, Ra knew Kailyn would end up alright. The boy would come out of it all grown and stronger than before. He was better than Ra. Kailyn thought Ra was some sort of powerful and strong figure, but in reality, Kailyn was much more powerful and strong than Ra was.

“I forgive you.” Kailyn managed to get out after nearly thirty minutes of tears and release.

Ra blinked in surprise, not sure what Kailyn was trying to say at first. “What?”

“I forgive you, you and Corvus,” Kailyn repeated, meeting Ra’s gaze. His blue eyes were slightly more bright and alert.

“For what?” Ra tried to figure out what the boy was talking about. Was he being forgiven for not being there for Kailyn? The way he spoke made it sound more than that.

“Everything.” Kailyn kept his gaze locked, even as Ra leaned back and, again, looked to Corvus for some sort of answer to his confusion. Corvus was smiling, lips crooked just slightly in to a tug at one edge. When he looked back at Kailyn he shook his head.

“I don’t understand.”

“I forgive you for everything.”

There was nothing Ra could say in response. What Kailyn was saying was something he had never heard before. The boy was forgiving him for everything, he forgave him for not being there, but for all his mistakes, even the ones not done to him. Silence, once again, dropped around them. The gravity seemed to lift off Ra’s shoulders. Kailyn meant what he said, and it somehow washed him of all the guilt he had been feeling before he had come to see the boy.

“Everything,” Kailyn whispered and smiled, faint and small, but it was a smile nonetheless.

As Corvus and Ramuek left, after Kailyn had fallen asleep. Staris asked what had happened. Ra told her that he had smiled. She looked shocked as she set two plates of food in front of the men. Nolofin explained, as he sat down across them, that he hadn’t smiled since he had come back. The first smile the boy had given had been to Ra and Corvus. It had been given with forgiveness and love. When Corvus and Ra looked at each other they both smiled, true, honest smiles.